Vulnerable post alert.
Watching my son, happily playing with his sister on his second birthday, I am so in love. It is indescribable.
Meeting Benjamin for the first time.
The very first time I laid eyes on him wasn’t the picture perfect moment I dreamed of.
I have one kidney and high blood pressure. Both my pregnancies were high risk. With Benjamin I was on bed rest on top of it all. Eight weeks in bed when I wanted an active pregnancy. Sometimes we do not get what we plan.
His birthday was supposed to be March 27th; a scheduled c-section that was going to go routinely. He had other plans. Ben decided he was ready a week early and I WAS NOT prepared for what was to follow.
A happy day turned into one of the most traumatic days of my life. We were SO HAPPY he was here and he was healthy, but how the day unfolded and how we were treated left us extremely upset (that is a whole other story).
I went into labour naturally. I tried pushing a few times but Benjamin didn’t budge. He was turned the wrong way. And I was SCARED. My request for the c-section I had prepared for mentally was finally heard but at this point it was an emergency. Ben’s heart rate dropped and with no time I was put completely asleep. I don’t remember that part at all. Or the 8 hours after.
The surgery did not go smoothly. It went very wrong. SO WRONG. I was left with major injuries. I required bladder reconstruction, and uterus/cervix repair. I lost a lot of blood. I was later told I could have died. Thankfully I had an AMAZING surgeon who masterfully put me back together. His urology specialty is actually female pelvic health.
It was eight hours before I would be reunited with Benjamin. On fentanyl and dilaudid I woke up to a large box of blood by my head “just in case”. Luckily it was never needed. My first hours with little Benjamin are a complete blur. There are so many things I only “remember” because of pictures. But I remember being so in love looking at his sweet face, a feeling that eventually overtook the pain and physical trauma. But it was a long road.
I went home with a stent in my one kidney to make sure I had no blockages while my bladder healed. This caused me pain in my side every time I walked more than 10 minutes. And its removal two months later was PAINFUL. I also went home with a catheter for two weeks. Imagine dragging that around with you as you’re trying to manoeuvre with a c-section scar and a newborn baby.
My recovery was long. It was long and hard and at times frustrating. What was supposed to be an active pregnancy and smooth c-section recovery turned into months of pain, bladder issues, and effects on my mental health that came and went for nearly two years.
But I am getting back to myself physically and mentally, though it hasn’t been easy.
After a long pause for a broken foot, and various other difficult circumstances, I am getting back into a consistent workout routine. I am working on building the endurance I once had. It isn’t easy and I am far from where I used to be but that is okay. I am here and I am able to move. I am alive and healthy with a healthy 2-year old who brings me joy.
Post workout sweaty selfie.
Why share all this? Because, as mothers, we put so much pressure on ourselves. So much unnecessary pressure. We want the perfect birth story and the quick “snap back” to our pre-baby body. But that isn’t always our story.
I want you to hear that whatever you’ve been through, whatever the struggles, no matter how long it takes, DON’T give up! Progress isn’t a straight line. Goals aren’t realized overnight.
I am not where I thought I would be two years after giving birth but that is okay. It is okay because this is life and things do not always go as planned and sometimes we have to make peace with that and start again.
I know this wasn’t the journey I scripted for myself, for my last two years, but it has shown me just what I am made of and I like to think a part of that is strength and hope.
Everyday Clair 